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fuck work.
seriously.
and fuck not being able to go to the picnic.
this sucks.
i desperately need another job.
:P
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Friday, January 2nd, 2009
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1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
got a job from a legitimate corporation. stood on my own two feet?... eh the jury's still out on that one.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
no resolutions. no plans for them. I've been thinking about things I could do to make this year better than the last, but I've taken to playing it by ear.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no
4. Did anyone close to you die?
a lot of people died.
5. What countries did you visit?
Hamunaptra... and in-between places
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
more spirituality. more sincerity. more art.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I don't want to remember that day.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting a job or moving out.
9. What was your biggest failure?
...~**^*^^***~...
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
who doesn't?
11. What was the best thing you bought?
the Sandman series
12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
things
13. What songs will always remind you of 2008?
the only living boy in new york, wincing the night away{entirely}, on avery island{entirely}, god's money{entirely}, bitter end, bearhug, brother sport, weird fishes... lots more, just too many to recall all at once.
14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
painting, writing, statuing, arting-out in general
15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
putting myself through crap
16. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it. boringly. and aggravatingly. and slightly depressing...ly.
17. Did you fall in love in 2008?
fuck off.
18. How many one-night stands?
... fuck off
19. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter, Clone High, Green Wing, Dr. Who, Heroes...?
20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
there are words far simpler and more complicated than 'hate'. nothing ever fits exactly.
21. What was the best book you read?
Preacher? Sandman? do graphic novels count?
22. What was your greatest musical discovery?
gang gang dance.
23. What did you want and get?
aggression and affection
24. What did you want and not get?
redemption
25. What was your favorite film of this year?
Suicide Circle, Slumdog Millionare
26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Sat around for a while, hungover, waited and waited and waited for breakfast, eventually was forced to DD, then home. 20
27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
to have been 21
28. What kept you sane?
not much
29. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Barak Obama {::applicable catcalls here::}
30. What political issue stirred you the most?
that's a trick question, right?
31. Who did you miss?
fuck you.
32. Who was the best new person you met?
Jamie.. I guess.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
( nonsense )
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"It's better to waste your days watching the scenery change at a comatose rate, than to put yourself in it and turn into one of those cigarette adds that you hate."
"Patterns laid out on the bed, with dozens of colors of thread, but you've got the needle, I guess that's the point in the end."
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Saturday, November 29th, 2008
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I am not a girl, actually... not that I wasn't already aware. I just have to stop convincing myself that I can bond and fit in as well as everyone else, even for just one night a year.
I'm not a girl.
shit.
fuck.
no. not gonna happen.
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Sunday, November 16th, 2008
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The arbitrary posting of
( lyrics ) is, all the thought and articulation that I feel I can offer tonight... all the same I wanted to.
... and I'm going to cut my hair soon... really short I'm thinking. I think I need to shed some layers.
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Sunday, August 17th, 2008
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So I haven't been very connected to the internet lately. No more wireless. Too much sloth.
And now I'm back in lieu of so much tragedy that doesn't cease to effect almost everyone {in one form or another} I know.
I'm getting used to hearing about death.
Maybe it's just the year for it to be surrounding me... it's just a little odd to think about.
I find myself asking if I've been asking for signs recently and feeling almost satirically paranoid... but when are we not looking for signs?
It's not that I'm afraid of death.
I'm afraid of what death means as an omen.
So I'm off to meet with the "troubled" side of the family for the first time in 10 years {since my grandfather--his father, her husband--died}. Off to feel part of a family where I am not the black sheep.
This should be interesting.
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What the fuck is wrong with this damn life?
It's a beautiful day.
Last night I ran around manic {like I do at work} getting my shit together and getting ready in other vague ways, anticipating waking up the next morning at 5:30am, only to sit around until 11{with a 20 minute walk ahead of me} watching other people drink and be merry... and get a bunch of free Jager shit. I got a t-shirt... as well as a bunch of random free cds from one of the really awesome bartenders that works at UNOs {of all places... maybe it's just because those Staples guys go there so much, but the mix cds that those guys put on are pretty fucking awesome}. I really didn't mind, I've woken up at 5:30 before on 2hours of sleep, and am willing to do it if I must if it means human interaction above customer service; but there weren't enough seats, so one person always had to stand, and I think I made things uncomfortable being, not only the only girl {of course} but the only one not getting increasingly intoxicated.
I got to sleep at about 12:30.
Woke up at 5:30.
At work by 7:15.
I don't really know if I'm ready for it to be so nice out. I remember saying not too long ago when the air was still cold, and earth frosted and frozen over, that I was glad it was still winter. That I wanted to be in a certain 'place' by spring. I thought I was there.
And the night before that I went out to Littleton. All the people I never see {for many reasonable and inexplicable reasons}, like a coming into a familar warm room after being in an otherwise drafty and uncomfortable house. After all the complete isolation, silence, artificial company, Finally there were people. Lots of people who are real, and present in every sense of the word, and safe feeling, despite whatever chaos {like a family is probably supposed to be like}. People who actually give a shit about me as opposed to those who are forced to interact with me.
And it was nice. I miss everyone I never see... everyone.
And the reality of something, anything to do after work, people again even {to some extent}, being ripped away with one reasonable request.
1hr?
10...
1030
530
620
715
no one no one no one no one.
fuck....
and now it gets too complicated. Things can't be simple like that anymore.
{The bandit knows, but it can't go further than our own abstract, twisted, native tongue. not anymore, you know... and you know why}
Things are changing and I feel stuck. My worst fear realized.
But it really is a beautiful day, and I don't need to stay home tonight.
Ophelia and then a shower maybe.
It's the weirdest thing. I've cried so much today, but I can't bring myself to be truly, sad at this precise moment.
I feel like that would be unfair somehow.
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11:00pm-1:33am
4/10/08-4/11/08
Kira is anxious.
Kira is uncomfortable.
Kira is grateful.
Kira is upset.
Kira is venting.
Kira is listening.
Kira is finding peace of mind.
Kira is letting herself feel it.
Kira is tired.
Kira is relieved.
Kira is ready for bed.
Kira is checking for a message, or a comment, or anything.
Kira is let down.
Kira is indifferent.
Kira is aware of her.
Kira knows she is aware of you.
Kira is unsure whether she is similarly aware.
Kira is reading.
Kira is sneaking.
Kira is paranoid.
Kira is hoping for and against these things.
Kira is reading again.
Kira is jealous.
Kira is hurt.
Kira is scared.
Kira is fed up.
Kira wants answers.
Kira wants assurance.
Kira wants to hear.
Kira wants to feel.
Kira wants to know.
Kira wants to sleep.
Kira wants to forget.
Kira is disappointed.
Kira is ready to let go.
Kira just wants to know why you won't explain any of it to her.
why?
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| Time: | 10:26 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. | | Music: | Girl's School--Rasputina. |
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I'm listening to this music because I want to remember what my life was like before all of this. The most organic 'me'. . . whatever... whoever that is.
listen to our pretty song
we are happy as the day is long
forget the things you thought you knew
we'll make a very good girl of you.
I cannot help but remember the things that are no longer real, tangible thing, yet saturated with the abstract feelings and beliefs about the world which I held so dearly onto in my much younger years.
I'm not happy... really.
I'm not sad... at all.
I just am... for now. I wonder how long it will be before the next something comes along, but for now I am content to wait patiently and readily for it. I don't feel compelled to go looking for it anymore... Not that I feel I ever really went looking for it, but I fed it.
. . . thinner... hmm...
i wonder how it will manifest... how it may be manifesting...
and the girls ran out of the schoolyard and up the hill behind
"i'm scared" said the littlest one.
"don't worry," said the leader
"they could catch us, or they could kill us,
but they can never crush our spirit!"
I wonder what the spring will rear. I hated it, but lately I've been really appreciating the dance between spring and winter. It's serene in all the right places.
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Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
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I'm settling in and getting ready to sleep after going out with Nancy to Avenue Q.
It was really quite terrific. The only thing that could have made it better would have been seeing it with friends. I highly recommend that anyone who has the means invests in the experience. All the shows for this season are sold out, but I have it on good authority that it is very probably coming back next season. w00t :}
So, work at 7:30am tomorrow, and honestly, I'm excited to get back there. It's probably going to be busy as hell now that spring break is over for the area, but I'm still looking forward to it. Part of me wishes I had the opportunity to sleep in, but getting out by 1pm is an appealing thought. I'm also glad that I have a reason to get up so early. It gives me some sense of purpose, even if it is a rather flimsy one.
http://explodingdog.com/title/ilikebeinghere.html
fuck you, lady. that's what stairs are for.
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I'm done.
It's over.
You can thank yourself.
Are you happy now?
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I've been smoking far too much lately. I think I'm getting a cold because of it. And yet... I'm pretty sure I'm going to buy more cigarettes tonight. I suppose it's one of the least self-destructive activities I could be practicing, but it's far too expensive for me to tolerate.
too many song lyrics have been spinning through my consciousness for me to keep track of my mood and which ones best fit. It really just causes a problem when trying to choose music to listen to on my walks to and from various places. Honestly, I feel like it will help with my songwriting, which is going... somewhat slowly, and frustratingly... for now. Once I get the in-between parts hammered out... or at least a general melody for them, it will be much smoother sailing. I have a feeling this one is going to take a long time, which I am completely okay with... I'm just worried my fervor on the subject may become muted in time. Part of my hopes it will, but another part... well: despite all my obscenities, her coloring gets the best of me.
sitting around waiting for the phone to ring just reminds me of junior high... everything is reminding me of junior high recently. Damn muscle memory. Add to that the distinct flavor of March-June 2001 as it is sprinkled across my already burning tongue by those who have never even opened their mouths before, and you get.... one family lost a star/one star, they lost their family/that's why i sit at home alone/and watch tv ... i'm the lucky one/always having fun
sitting around waiting for the phone to stop ringing makes me wonder what I'm doing at home alone on a friday night.
if only I had liquor.
oh, and it's definite. I have a job; one that has no definitive ending date. I start Monday.
w00t.
good night*~``*~
the subject of such suicide
unearths such bitter, ungodly pride
it isn't that i ever lied (no i never lied)
it's only if i really ever died
i wouldn't have to hide
the fact that i
the fact that i'd
the fact that i've...
see how she spies
on every frame
'til he's calling out my name
see how he lingers in my fingers
and all of my designs and sores
are nothing she could/would/has/will ever pine(d) for
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Monday, February 18th, 2008
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Maliha came to dinner last night. I found it interesting that after 12 years she looked no different to me than she had at 8. Even when she showed us pictures of Saniha at the wedding, so tall, and with hip length hair, and everyone was exclaiming about how different she looked... it was as if no time had passed through either of them... or Shabana... So much time has gone by. Years without contact, never knowing what had happened to my family. And they seemed just as they had been back before the sky began to fall.
Maliha told me that she had been sent a picture of me and had showed it to her mother. She said that Shabana had started crying and stared at it for hours as if watching a daughter grow right before her eyes. All I can think of is all that has happened since that last Lantern Parade. The entirety of my academic experience, social growth, gain and loss of friends and family. Pain. Health. Weather. Music. Art. Travel. Transition. And after all of this I still have not forgotten my mother. I have missed her since the day I stopped being a regular fixture at the building, always believing that she had left me... moved on to better little girls, only to discover 12 years later that I am still her daughter.
the yellow
hazy light
spreads like dye through water
the microscopic fishes
are following me
and as rose water
washes away
such steel heaviness
from the air
i find myself
fused with
the library light
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Saturday, February 9th, 2008
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| Time: | 8:15 pm. |
| Mood: |  wonderfully crushed. | | Music: | where you'll find me now. |
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all I perceive is wasted and broken
silvery streams, sacred when spoken
slam into me and into the ditch of debris
and you smoke in the park and sleep in the greenery
everyone barks, they're all still believing
to tear out your heart would send all your secrets to me
but I let you down
and swollen and small is where you'll find me now
with that silver stripping off from my tongue you're tearing out
and you'll never hear me talk
your teeth believe that teeth are for tearing
tear into me the scent of your sweating
smells good to me
as long as we keep in our clothes
and out in the dark the world is still rolling
kids in their cars, cigarette smoking
and all that they are just reeks with the sweetest belief
but I let you down
and swollen and small is where you'll find me now
with that silver stripping off my tongue you're tearing out
and you'll never hear me talk
and all I could want is silver and spinning out from your arms
and into the pretty pit of your heart
so simply and softly we'd flow
but I let you down
and swollen and small is where you'll find me now
with that silver stripping off from my tongue you're tearing out
and you'll never hear me talk
into you, I will glow.
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Thursday, February 7th, 2008
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with all you spout about cherishing my friendship... my advice... my support... and what do I get? Betrayal, sir? How fucking seelie is that? You fucking
backstabber!
hope grabber!
Greedy little FIT haver!
god i feel for you, Fool.
you Shit lover!
off-brusher!
Jaded!
Bitter!
Joy Crusher!
failure's made you so Cruel.
Failure has made you cruel indeed. You've messed with the wrong fucking girl. I come bearing an entire army. A family that will shoot you down without question if the health and happiness of one of our own is in jeopardy... So...
Come on.
Come on.
you think you drive me crazy...well,
Come on, come on.
You and Whose Army? . . .
Come on.
Come on,
Holy Roman Empire.
Come on, if you think,
Come on, if you think,
You can take us All on.
you forget so easy.
You've forgotten so easily. So soon after giving up my time, my opinions, my emotional stability, my well-being, my anger/rage/frustration. I let the issue of your neglect slide because I understood what it felt like to be neglected and needed to convince you we hadn't done that to you. I set my life {which had recently been shattered} aside for you, neglected myself while everyone else was also neglecting me, so that you wouldn't have to feel such. Where were you then? Where are you now? Have a problem? CALL ME. CONFRONT THE PROBLEM... as opposed to putting your ill feelings in the pot that is being forced under your nose and setting it on the stove to boil until there's nothing left but the unflinching belief that you were right all along. That your friends are disposable. You think you have issues with abandonment? Join the goddamn club. I thought you had. I thought we were in it together. Fuck you.
let's get lost....
Sick Sick Sound.
All Fall Down.
it is a necessary evil.
just like highway gas stations
and
people.
I remember Golden Days when all this was a Mystery
and
you could write a letter then
or, god forbid
come visit me.
And if you find yourself without me,
Can you find yourself without me?
Can you find yourself without me?
Come on,
Find yourself
Without me.
To all the rest: I'm sorry. It's been a long 24 hours.
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Wednesday, February 6th, 2008
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everyday is shorter and simultaneously longer than each day that proceeded it..
.
. . . i just delight in torturing myself more than I remembered. it's all part of the experience i guess.
.
.
... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . i've always loved swing sets, i've just never known when to get off
yay. tomorrow is another day and another chance for the color to show up.
things to be grateful for.
aLL things~***
and i'm not happy and i'm not sad
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Saturday, January 26th, 2008
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Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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Happy New Year all! And time for my one and only lj tradition, so here it be:
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
stood on my own two feet, come to terms with who I truly am as a person, stopped apologizing.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made one last year... This year I'm going to try to get off my ass and actively persue this whole performance art thing... and stop smoking so much. One cigarette a day is my goal, but who knows?
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no
4. Did anyone close to you die?
I'm not sure if close is the right word. yes and no... (RIP D.M.)
5. What countries did you visit?
Hamunaptra... where I've decided to reside :}
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
the specific empathy, support, and gratitude that have been lacking at particularly stinging point in time.
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
3/19/07, the day after which I started writing again
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
coming to terms with it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
never calling that kid Mike back.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes and yes... mainly alcoholism and betrayal. thank god that's over with.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Oblina ::tear::
12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
tripping with a piano :}
13. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
Endomorph, Luber, Oh Comley, Safer, Fireworks... basically all of Strawberry Jam, Bridges and Balloons, Emily, Movie Script Ending, Yankee Bayonette... many many others
14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
painting, writing, statuing, corresponding
15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking
16. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it. Somewhat boringly, then ridiculously
17. Did you fall in love in 2007?
define the phrase "fall in love"
18. How many one-night stands?
0...
19. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost and Dexter
20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no
21. What was the best book you read?
The Stand?... for lack of a better one
22. What was your greatest musical discovery?
xiu xiu {thank you erik :} }
23. What did you want and get?
respect, freedom, piece of mind
24. What did you want and not get?
my shit back
25. What was your favorite film of this year?
Across the Universe
26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Golden Compass w/ Julian, Minado w/parents & Julian, JP house w/ booze. 19
27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
more real support.
28. What kept you sane?
Nathanial, and my piano
29. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
who knows?
30. What political issue stirred you the most?
fuck it all.
31. Who did you miss?
lots
32. Who was the best new person you met?
Erik
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
There is only so much you can change about yourself, it's how you deal with what you can't change that makes any difference.
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins."
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Monday, December 31st, 2007
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Most full weekend ever. I haven't stayed up past sunrise in a long time, and not kept awake by such conversation in even longer.
beautiful sky, air, light, silence.
Now off to see Sweeny Todd with the family, then some kind of drinking I'm sure.
oh all blue and green
were the flames in the leaves
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Thursday, December 20th, 2007
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| Time: | 2:22 pm. |
| Mood: |  dreaming. | | Music: | April and the Phantom--animal collective. |
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I can't believe it's almost Christmas. How does this happen to me every year? I haven't gotten half of my shopping done and am at an almost complete loss for decent ideas... you know what that means: music music music. I feel it's generally the best I have to offer any given person. I'd rather be bestowing full, colorful, sound and expression than an object (whatever it may be) which I was deluded enough to believe to be desired or even usable by whoever.
I keep waking up in a different room every morning, changing with my days and nights, like a dream which is littered with experiences and thoughts from the day. I wonder if I actually got out of bed during those moments of confusion and metamorphosis if the whole house would be different; the street, the city, my life. I think I've become delusional.
There is hardly a moment in the day where I am not reminded of some moment/situation/point in time from long ago. Nothing ever particularly significant. Just wisps of memory like phantom scents on the wind that dissipate almost as soon as they are perceived. It's moments like this that I kick myself for falling out of writing. I really need the outlet right now. I think it would help sort out this clutter of musings.
I have so much knitting to get done... and shoveling, and writing, and cd burning, and wrapping, and shopping.
shit.
Love aLL~~ enjoy the snow :}
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wastedkitten's journal
drained.
contemplative.
doesn't want to play no more.
good folk feelings.
done. just. done..
desiring intoxicants.
damn flu.
infuriated.
*.